


Thoughts that lend you no sleep

by anya_ackles



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Mark of Cain, Mini, One Shot, Season 9, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-07
Updated: 2014-06-07
Packaged: 2018-02-03 18:13:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 585
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1753871
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anya_ackles/pseuds/anya_ackles
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean ends up reviewing his life after Sam's 'not brothers' boundary talk.<br/>He doesn't know where he belongs anymore.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Thoughts that lend you no sleep

It was Sam who saved dean. It has always been Sam, no matter what the common belief is.  
Even as a baby, he held onto dean, gave him purpose- a life.

Dean was lying in bed, thinking things that sometimes come around, when he can't sleep..and when he let those thoughts in, he never gets much sleep.

Dean was absolutely certain that he would have given up long ago. Closed his eyes on those uncountable nights when staying conscious seemed like a humongous task.  
Sammy needs me- these words kept him on his toes, ready to fight, save his ass when giving up was the easier road.  
When Sam was gone the first time, he was convinced that it was over. Him- his whole being, the end. He was a breathing corpse, driving day and night and slaying like a machine.  
He would try to hope, for Sammy. One day he will come back and then dean will have to tell him everything he did during his absence. He didn't want to disappoint him, again. The first was letting him go in the first place, or was it the time before when he didn't escape with Sam and leave this hunter's life for good?  
It didn't matter. There have been thousands of those times till now. Let everyone down, like a nasty habit.

Sam died. And he had disappointed dad.  
He thought giving up his soul would be it. But he had to make sure Sammy was okay without him. Failed at that too.  
Let Sam go to hell, be haunted by lucifer himself. He couldn't protect his little brother from anything!

He had no fucking right to guilt-trip Sam when he didn't go looking for him in purgatory. Hell, why would he? He was probably relieved. And amelia helped there too.  
His heart clenches a bit.  
He's better off dead, like dead dead. No return, no...resurrection of any kind. No nothing.

Sammy deserves better than him.  
Then why did it hurt so much when he made it clear he didn't want to be brothers anymore. Needed to stay away from this vicious venom he got for a brother.  
Why did it feel like the end of the world when he mocked all the things he did for Sammy.  
Sammy is right though. He needed Sam. Needed it like air and safety. He can be alone, but only if he is alone with Sam.  
But is that so wrong? May be to Sam it is.  
For dean, it has always been like this. Him and Sam fighting the baddies. That's the only life he knows.  
Now that they are just partners, as Sam likes to call it, he doesn't recognise his new place.  
Is he supposed to protect Sam? Or its not his responsibility anymore? Can he let him die?  
No. That is never gonna happen. He saves strangers on a daily basis. Giving up your life for your baby brother only seems fitting.  
Why doesn't Sam get that.  
He isn't asking sam to sacrifice to save him. He doesn't deserve to be saved. Although it hurt when sam put it clearly that he wouldn't, he could never ask Sam for that.  
He's a disappointment. Better off killing all the monsters then finally when its all over, kill the last one of them-himself.  
Dean closes his eyes with that last thought.  
It brings him peace. This is his place now in this world.

He'll make sure he doesn't mess this one up too.

**Author's Note:**

> Dean was acting on this thoughts during several episodes. Thought I'll give those actions a voice.  
> leave your love. Thanks! :D


End file.
